Hey everyone. I wasn't really happy with how my story was going, so I'm trying a new angle with the same dialogue clip. Here are some rough thumbnail boards with my new story idea.
The idea is to have to have a man lay down and relax for a little. The camera will pan to reveal a salesman laying next to him. The man tries not to overreact but ends up being too creeped out by the salesman to the point where he runs away, and the salesman stays on the bed and sulks his head. I want to wait till the end to reveal that they are in a mattress store. I was thinking about putting a name tag on the man which could add to his sort of mystery until the reveal where it makes more sense.
I would greatly appreciate any feedback or story ideas or anything.
Thank you
-Scott
I like it. Changing the setting from a bar to a mattress store definitely helps give the dialogue context, as it is completely clear to the audience what the guy is 'right' about. I think there are a few things you can do to hint at the mattress store prior to the reveal. For one thing, you can make it clear that the bed has no sheets on it, and give a little headroom above the character to show that it isn't up against a wall. It's subtle, but nobody actually puts a bed in the middle of a room, so that would serve as a clue that this isn't his apartment, or something.
ReplyDeleteCool. I think this can be a great scene. More important than how you lay out the first shot is the actions your character does in the very beginning. If we see a guy lying on a bed, we assume, at first that it is his bed at his home. And that's good, you want that. What you'll want to do with his acting, and the whole scene relies on it, is showing him relax into the bed, and then adjust and try to get comfortable. That's really the main question we have when looking for a new bed - is it comfy? If you can show this well, you'll plant a seed that makes sense of the other man's line.
ReplyDeleteYou need to create motivation for cutting, or panning, to show the salesman. For instance, one way you could do this would be to have the salesman's hand enter the frame, patting the mattress in that initial framing, then pan over to reveal whose hand it is. One thing to research is what sells a mattress.
I'd even go to a mattress store and pretend to buy a mattress. There is a store within walking distance from the school (by the Trader Joes). These salesmen have a certain way they press on the mattress to show off it's spongyness that would be good to caricature and exaggerate a bit. This guy should think he's doing a great job selling the mattress in this way.
The name tag is a good idea, a price tag would give it away too early.
For the conclusion, it would be good to have the salesman lay back down before the shopper leaves. This way he can lie there, proud of his pitch, unaware that his customer has left. If it's afterward, it will read as though he doesn't care, or is sad from losing the sale, which I don't think you want.
Great, going in the right direction, I think!