Story Revision

Hey everyone. I wasn't really happy with how my story was going, so I'm trying a new angle with the same dialogue clip. Here are some rough thumbnail boards with my new story idea.

The idea is to have to have a man lay down and relax for a little. The camera will pan to reveal a salesman laying next to him. The man tries not to overreact but ends up being too creeped out by the salesman to the point where he runs away, and the salesman stays on the bed and sulks his head. I want to wait till the end to reveal that they are in a mattress store. I was thinking about putting a name tag on the man which could add to his sort of mystery until the reveal where it makes more sense.
I would greatly appreciate any feedback or story ideas or anything.
Thank you
-Scott

After putting some thought into it, I've decided that a better way to do things is to be more subtle about it, using a slow zoom out that reveals that the plane is in big trouble. So to start with, the camera is close to the pilot, and you can see blue sky through the window behind him, as he's addressing the passengers. Then as the camera pulls out, you start to see landscape appearing in the window behind him, until finally its fully zoomed out, and we see that the yoke isn't attached to the plane at all, and its clearly nosediving towards the ground.

I don't have access to a scanner and can't show my panels, but I threw this together in photoshop to give an idea.

Hi friends, here are my new storyboards. Still the same pooping baby story. This time I focus on the baby's 

reaction when his mom asks him "are you poopy?"
the story starts with the baby playing his toys.

All shots are mom's POV so we never see her whole body.
Do give me critics. Thank you

Greetings fellow classmates.  

I have been working on my storyboard over the last couple of days and figured I will post my current work in progress for a check in.  After much thought I have made the decision not to go with the day care idea with my current clip and instead decided to stick with my military bootcamp idea.  I am in the pencil phase right now and will be cleaning this up and inking the panels.  The idea of how this will play out will be similar but I believe that the recruit who isn't listening to his Sergeant is infact the character at fault here making this tension between the Sergeant and the recruit.  The Sergeant will be walking from side to side discussing what his recruits will be doing.  The recruit will be still making questionable faces but as a form of karmic justice it turns out the Sergeant realized that he has been doing this the entire time.  

Thanks and I look forward to your responses,

- Michael G.