Greetings fellow classmates.
I have been working on my storyboard over the last couple of days and figured I will post my current work in progress for a check in. After much thought I have made the decision not to go with the day care idea with my current clip and instead decided to stick with my military bootcamp idea. I am in the pencil phase right now and will be cleaning this up and inking the panels. The idea of how this will play out will be similar but I believe that the recruit who isn't listening to his Sergeant is infact the character at fault here making this tension between the Sergeant and the recruit. The Sergeant will be walking from side to side discussing what his recruits will be doing. The recruit will be still making questionable faces but as a form of karmic justice it turns out the Sergeant realized that he has been doing this the entire time.
Thanks and I look forward to your responses,
- Michael G.
Hi, Mike. First post of the term! I like the idea of keeping it simple and straight forward. There are a few main questions that come from this piece as it stands now, and you'll want to add some more thought to how they should be addressed.
ReplyDeleteQuestion#1: Why is that man called stormy? Why doesn't he call him "Private" or something similar.
Question#2: Why do they need an oven? It's too absurd a line of dialogue to not address this somehow. Remember that if we're really focusing on the line, we won't be reading the tongue-sticking-out-ing or vice versa.
Also, please indicate the set in your drawings. This can help with question 2, possibly, but not necessarily. I might suggest varying up the angle and perspective on the close up at the end, make it dramatic.
Thanks for posting, good luck!
~Joe
The biggest thing I have to suggest here is that you really need to push and exaggerate the violation of personal space between the drill sergeant and stormy at the end of your bit. Since the 'Die' line at the end is the strongest part of the dialogue, you'll want to emphasize it with the action as much as you can. Really get the drill sergeant in the private's face. Make him look big and intimidating, and the private should be shrinking back as well.
ReplyDeleteHere are some examples of what I mean
http://neon.pictura-hosting.nl/wpp/wpp_mrx_bld/thumbs/632x632/wpp/00/JPEG_-_winners_1971/1971102.jpg
http://considerjesus.com/jesus/Portals/0/YellingFACE200.gif
Hi everybody thanks for the responses. I do like the idea of violating his personal space much more and I will be re-tweaking that idea. And to answer question 1 I will be figuring out a way to figure out how his nickname came to be Stormy or add a nametag on his uniform with his name on it. And for question 2 I will add in a background detailing an obstacle course labelled 'The Oven'.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the responses I didn't have time yesterday to respond. I look forward to seeing you guys tomorrow.
- Mike
P.S. Glad I didn't post "First first first" at the beginning of the tagline since I was the first person on this forum this term :P
Hey Mike,
ReplyDeleteHere's another suggestion. Adding text that you force the audience to read does not solve a story problem. You need to have a reason for the name. Why is this man named Stormy? It doesn't sound like a given name, more like a sarcastic nickname. Why is the course called "the oven"? Those kinds of solutions always feel forced, and so we do not invest in the work. Work in a reason, even if subtle, and your world will be rendered with a sense of believability.